The Secret to Better Relationships? It’s How You Communicate

If you've ever walked away from a fight with your partner feeling more distant than before, you're not alone. Over time, even the most loving relationships can struggle with miscommunication, emotional disconnection, and recurring conflicts.

This week on the Sofia Unfiltered podcast, we sat down with certified sex and relationship coach Kristen O’Guin to unpack the science and strategy behind long-term relationship success. From making emotional bids to fighting fair, Kristen reveals what it takes to turn conflict into connection—and how to repair and deepen your bond, no matter how long you’ve been together.

What causes communication breakdowns in long-term relationships?

Over time, stress, unmet needs, and misinterpreted behaviors can erode connection and lead to resentment or emotional withdrawal.

As Kristen shared, “If people can learn how to regulate the nervous system... We remember that we’re on the same team. We want to work together.” When we feel misunderstood, dismissed, or attacked, our nervous systems go into fight-or-flight mode. That makes it nearly impossible to listen, much less connect.

Common causes include:

• Avoiding conflict or hard conversations
• Scorekeeping or holding grudges
• Disconnection from physical intimacy
• Busy schedules replacing intentional time together
• Differences in communication or attachment styles
  
  

“If couples could just have this underlying understanding that you’re both on the same team… we can navigate it together,” Kristen explains. “That is just so huge for all of these different patterns and dynamics.”

If you’re navigating this in your relationship, consider working with a Counselor or Relationship Coach on Sofia Health to rebuild healthy communication patterns.

How can you fight fair in a relationship?

Fighting fair means expressing your feelings without blame, listening with empathy, and resolving the issue—not attacking the person.

In fact, most couples don’t need fewer arguments—they need better arguments. Fighting fair is about addressing conflict without causing damage. Here’s the recommended framework to help guide couples through disagreements:

The Fair Fighting Formula:

• Use “I” Statements: Say “I felt hurt when…” instead of “You always…”
• Avoid Name-Calling or Character Attacks
• Pause If Needed: Take a 20-minute break if your nervous system is activated.
• Repair the Rupture: Return and reflect with empathy and accountability.
  
  

Want help implementing this? Book a session with a Life Coach or explore communication-focused sessions with Health Coaches on Sofia Health.

What are emotional bids—and why do they matter?

Emotional bids are small, daily attempts to connect. How your partner responds determines long-term intimacy and satisfaction.

Coined by Dr. John Gottman, “emotional bids” are gestures like:

• Asking “How was your day?”
• Reaching for a hand
• Sending a silly meme or inside joke
• Saying “I had a hard moment today…”
  
  

The response matters more than the bid itself.

🟢 Turning toward = connection
🔵 Turning away = disconnection
🔴 Turning against = rejection

“A huge part of why it can be harder for people to communicate... is because of the modern day lifestyle... people will nurture connection and communication a lot more [early on],”  Kristen says.

Build awareness by noticing these daily interactions. And if you need support identifying or responding to emotional bids, explore sessions with Integrative Coaches.

How do you repair after a fight?

Relationship repair involves acknowledgment, accountability, and emotional reconnection—not just saying "I'm sorry."

Most couples skip the repair phase—and that’s what leaves wounds open. Effective repair includes:

• Acknowledging impact (not just intent): “I see how my words hurt you…”
• Validating your partner’s emotions
• Apologizing for your part
• Making a plan to do better next time
  
  

“Preventing conflicts by having times where you’ve set aside for communication can be super helpful,” says Kristen.

Working with an Energy Healer can help you identify emotional wounds and guide the healing process—especially if past trauma is being triggered in the relationship.

How can couples deepen intimacy without “fixing” everything?

You don’t have to solve every problem—just stay emotionally attuned and connected in the hard moments.

Kristen says it’s a myth that couples need to agree on everything. Instead, what matters is feeling seen, heard, and emotionally safe.

Tools to deepen intimacy:

• Daily check-ins: “How are we doing today?”
• Rituals of connection: Morning coffee together, hugs before leaving, 5-minute cuddles
• Physical touch and affection
• Mindful breathing or meditation together
  
  

Try a Meditation Session for couples on Sofia Health to co-regulate and reconnect through body-based practices.

What’s the best way to communicate needs without guilt or shame?

Use non-defensive, clear language that frames your needs as pathways to deeper connection—not complaints.

So many people feel guilty for having needs, but Kristen reassures her clients that, “It’s okay to have needs. It’s healthy for you to recognize your needs and communicate them to others.” Many relationship experts encourage couples to use “connection-based” language instead of “problem-based” framing.

❌ “You never spend time with me.”
✅ “I miss feeling close to you. Can we set a time to connect this week?”

Kristen’s tip: “We both want both of our needs to be met... If they can approach it as a team—like, ‘okay, what are your feelings? What are your needs?’—that is just so huge.”

How can you tell if a relationship is emotionally safe?

Emotional safety feels like trust, consistency, and the freedom to be fully yourself without fear of criticism or rejection.

Signs of emotional safety:

• You can disagree without fear
• Your emotions are respected, not minimized
• You’re not walking on eggshells
• You feel heard even when you’re vulnerable
  
  

Kristen explains: “When the conflict happens, if the sympathetic nervous system is triggered... you’re not going to get anywhere in that kind of argument.”

Sample Scenario: When the Same Fight Keeps Happening

Let’s say one partner constantly feels ignored when the other is on their phone. It turns into the same argument every week:

• Partner A makes a sarcastic comment (“Nice to see you glued to your phone again”)
• Partner B gets defensive (“I just had a long day!”)
• Both shut down or explode
  
  

Kristen’s reframing:

• Partner A: “When we’re both on our phones, I feel disconnected. I really value our time together.”
• Partner B: “Thanks for telling me. Let’s put phones away for dinner and reconnect.”
  
  

This one shift—from criticism to vulnerability—can defuse conflict and build connection.

What if one partner won’t communicate?

Start by shifting your approach. When one person models emotional safety, it can invite the other to open up.

It’s easy to feel helpless if your partner avoids emotional conversations. Kristen recommends recognizing the pattern of arguments and emphasizing that you are on the same team. This could look like:

• Dropping the need to “fix” and focusing on curiosity
  
• Creating calm, non-confrontational spaces
• Asking open-ended questions like, “What’s been on your mind lately?”
  

Tools & Resources to Strengthen Your Relationship

Sofia Health offers hundreds of providers and tools to support communication, connection, and intimacy:

• Explore Coaches for couples
• Join Yoga Classes that improve co-regulation and connection
• Book with Energy Healers for emotional clarity
• Get support from Health Coaches for nervous system support
• Shop Guides & Products on relationships and communication

Whether you’re in a new relationship or decades in, you don’t have to navigate it alone.

Top Tips for Better Communication in Long-Term Relationships

• Slow down your responses. Pause, breathe, then speak.
• Repair more than you rupture. Conflict is normal—repair is vital.
• Listen to understand, not to win.
• Make emotional bids daily. They matter more than grand gestures.
• Say what you need—without blame. Your needs are worthy.

“Once couples have the willingness... once they decide, ‘we’re going to be better at conflict, we’re going to be better at communication’—it’s huge in how much it shifts things,” Kristen reminds us.

Turning Conflict into Connection

The way you talk to each other shapes the foundation of your relationship. As Kristen shared, conflict isn’t the enemy—disconnection is. And with the right tools, support, and intentional practices, you can transform your communication patterns and build lasting emotional intimacy.

Ready to take the next step? Explore sessions with Sofia Health providers to begin reconnecting—with yourself and your partner.

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Disclaimer: The Sofia Unfiltered Podcast by Sofia Health is for general informational and entertainment purposes only and does not constitute the practice of medicine, nursing, or other professional healthcare services, including the giving of medical advice. No doctor/patient relationship is formed. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast is at the user’s own risk. The content of this podcast is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical condition they may have. For any health concerns, users should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals.